Wednesday, 4 April 2018

The Dream That Sums Up My Life

I walk out of my childhood home, across the lawn, towards my current car, parked in the driveway. The yard and driveway are vividly clear as I lived in this house for about 16 years (I was about 2 when my parents moved in and I stayed there until I left for university - my parents stayed for a number of years after as well). I am walking to the car to get a binder I need for work. I am walking barefoot and the ground is wet. It feels squishy under my toes. I wonder why I didn't put shoes on.

As I approach the car, it is not that far, maybe 12 steps, I notice two things: the driver's side door is open, and I have parked really close to the neighbour's, I am sort of off the driveway on a bit on their grass.

I walk behind the car, around to the driver's side, get the binder and close the door.

I walk around the front of the car. There is probably less than 6 feet from the front of the car to the side gate that leads to the backyard.

Suddenly I am in water up to my shoulders. It is like I have stepped into a lake, but it is still so clearly this small spot on the driveway. I can see in the dining room windows on the south side of the house. I look around and I see what in my dream I call alligators, but in my waking state know were caimans. I see one, then a second, and maybe a third.  I clutch the binder (which is white - I dream in colour) to my chest and decide I must hurry toward the house. I take a step toward the house and I can't reach the ground.  The caimans are approaching. I continue to clutch the binder to my chest with my left hand (it did not occur to me that a binder of paper would be ruined by this amount of water in my dream). I really need this data for work, for the reports I need to be doing. I begin to splash/backstroke with my right arm, with the hopes of keeping the caiman away and to move me out of the water.

I wake up at this point, in a slightly panicked state. I dream like this all the time and have since I was about 18 months. I have actually gotten really good at just letting these dreams go and going back to sleep. But this night (which was Sunday night and I am writing this detail Wednesday so you can see how clear it was to me), I can't just go back to sleep. The meaning of the dream is too clear, I can't just pretend it is anything else or a weird fantasy. I feel like I am drowning at work. That is true. I am doing what I can to relieve this burden but while I have a mountain of paperwork thanks to the provincial governments new program, plus my actual job, plus some clients with very, very severe problem behaviours (and I am responsible for reducing them) and staffing issues, there is only so much I can do. I have had some time to actually do my job this week and I remembered how much I love parts of it!

Some of the symbols:
Wet bare feet - when working at home while Sam was recovering a delivery came. I didn't hear the knock at the door (why people can't use our doorbell is beyond me). I thought the dogs were barking at deer. By the time Sam was able to communicate to me that there had been someone there, they weren't at the door. I dashed through the garage to meet them. I couldn't get the guy's attention so I went out in the muddy driveway in my sock feet. Ironically the package was new shoes!

The white binder - I have recently replaced 2 of my client's binders with white ones. One I have just replaced has been a very stressful team recently.

The caiman's - I recently had a client in the Cayman's discontinue service - I think. They had said they would get back to me after a staffing change and never did. I did send a follow up, they paid me but said nothing else. It has been an unsatisfactory ending. At least I still have a wonderful client on the island!

The open car door - no idea - although my car is on my mind a lot as she has abut 247 000 km or 153 478 miles and I know I will need to replace her soon.

My childhood home - maybe because my parents were here

Drowning - it is one of my big fears. I grew up by a lake, my parents house was a walkable distance to Lake Huron (which is now their front door). Someone drown in that lake almost every summer. Also, as I mentioned I know I am drowning at times.

That is the dream that sums up my life!

1 comment:

  1. K10 my word...that was one saga of a dream. You wrote quite the visual too. I love how you analyzed it down to the wet feet. NOW I'm stepping on my soap box with you
    WHY INDEED DO PEOPLE IGNORE DOOR BELLS. WHAT IS UP WITH THAT. We get lots of service/repair folks who tap lightly on our door . Only thing I can figure is they are told not to ring door bells for some stupid reason. Most NORMAL folks ring our door bell
    Hugs HiC